I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I hope I shall never be deterred from detecting what I think a cheat, by...

I hope I shall never be deterred from detecting what I think a cheat, by...

He that will cheat at play, will cheat you any way

He that will cheat at play, will cheat you any way

Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares...

Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares...