A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Women Quotes

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the...

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the...

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

To understand your parents' love you must raise children yourself.

To understand your parents' love you must raise children yourself.