I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Funny Quotes, Relationships Quotes

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to...

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to...

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow...

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow...

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for...

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for...

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was...

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was...

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Dont ever underestimate the importance of money. I know its often been said that money...

Dont ever underestimate the importance of money. I know its often been said that money...

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Do you mind if I don't smoke ?

Do you mind if I don't smoke ?

Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend!

Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend!

Men professing godliness offer their bodies upon Satan's altar, and burn the incense of tobacco...

Men professing godliness offer their bodies upon Satan's altar, and burn the incense of tobacco...