I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Groucho Marx Quotes

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.

No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff...

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I...

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I...

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow...

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow...

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...