I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Love Quotes

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf...

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf...

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into...

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into...

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and...

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was...

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was...

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and...

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and...

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around...

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around...

Language most shows a man, speak that I may see thee.

Language most shows a man, speak that I may see thee.

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together,...

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together,...