I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Groucho Marx Quotes

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And...

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And...

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for...

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for...

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These...

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These...

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.