I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Groucho Marx Quotes

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend

No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough

I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the...

I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the...

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can...

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the...

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the...

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog...

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog...

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to...

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to...

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed...

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed...

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

A widow of doubtful age will marry almost any sort of a white man.

A widow of doubtful age will marry almost any sort of a white man.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up,...

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up,...