My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.

About age 30 most women think about having children, most men think about dating them.

The value of old age depends upon the person who reaches it. To some men...

The value of old age depends upon the person who reaches it. To some men...

On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had...

On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had...