My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...