I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...
Life is just a bowl of pits.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...