I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Food Quotes, Sex Quotes

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.