I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

It is better to be unhappy in love than unhappy in marriage, but some people...

It is better to be unhappy in love than unhappy in marriage, but some people...

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the...

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the...

Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to...

Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to...

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope...

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope...