I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...