I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not,...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not,...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...

And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child:...

And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child:...