One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Dating Quotes, Funny Quotes

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My life really began when I married my husband.

My life really began when I married my husband.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which...

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which...

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

I wish love was like volleyball, you would shout 'Mine' and everyone would step back.

I wish love was like volleyball, you would shout 'Mine' and everyone would step back.

There isn't a wife in the world who has not taken the exact measure of...

There isn't a wife in the world who has not taken the exact measure of...