One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Dating Quotes, Funny Quotes

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.