One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Dating Quotes, Funny Quotes

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he...

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he...

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold...

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold...