One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...
The awful daring of a moment's surrender which an age of prudence can never retract.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why...
I'm going to go out a winner if I have to find a high school...
An Egg to day is better than a Hen to-morrow