I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Money Quotes

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Challenging snow is one of my favorite kinds of skiing, and I like being able...

Challenging snow is one of my favorite kinds of skiing, and I like being able...

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the...

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the...