I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Money Quotes

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then...

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then...

That moment when you say something and everyone laughs, so you just sit there like...

That moment when you say something and everyone laughs, so you just sit there like...