I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...
Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked...
A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what...
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...