I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked...

Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked...

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what...

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...