I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.