If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Sex Quotes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....