When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.