My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Marriage Quotes

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

And her parents were astonished: but he charged them that they should tell no man...

And her parents were astonished: but he charged them that they should tell no man...

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can...

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can...