I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to...

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to...

If Monday was a person, it'd be a Ginger...

If Monday was a person, it'd be a Ginger...

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving...

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving...

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.