I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

There are fathers who do not love their children; there is no grandfather who does...

There are fathers who do not love their children; there is no grandfather who does...

Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough

Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough

Happy Leap Day...An extra day to deal with stupid people.

Happy Leap Day...An extra day to deal with stupid people.