I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

Starbucks really isn't that expensive...after you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

Starbucks really isn't that expensive...after you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Everything seems louder when you're trying not to wake your parents.

Everything seems louder when you're trying not to wake your parents.