I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we...

Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we...

The LORD of hosts shall defend them; and they shall devour, and subdue with sling...

The LORD of hosts shall defend them; and they shall devour, and subdue with sling...