I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.