I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.