I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Quote by Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...
I invented the cordless extension cord.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...
How young can you die of old age?
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'