I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Quote by Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...
The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.