I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Funny Quotes

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?