I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...