I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...