Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Advice Quotes

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done...

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done...

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get...

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get...

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid...

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid...

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will...

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will...

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

80% of success is showing up.

80% of success is showing up.

When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I...

When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I...

Concentrated thoughts produce desired results.

Concentrated thoughts produce desired results.

To succeed you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you,...

To succeed you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you,...