I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Woody Allen Quotes

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

There can never be any excuse for sacrificing our childrens futures to keep corporate tax...

There can never be any excuse for sacrificing our childrens futures to keep corporate tax...

I sometimes ask myself how it came about that I was the one to develop...

I sometimes ask myself how it came about that I was the one to develop...

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would...

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would...