I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes, God Quotes

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars...

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars...

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They...

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They...

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid...

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid...

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into...

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into...

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very...

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very...

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of...

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl...

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue...

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that...

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that...

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...

Eternity is really long, especially near the end

Eternity is really long, especially near the end

A hundredth of a second here, a hundredth of a second there - even if...

A hundredth of a second here, a hundredth of a second there - even if...

Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.

Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.