My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His...

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His...

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of...

Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of...