My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...