Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Gold Digger Quotes

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

Take my wife... Please!

Take my wife... Please!

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His...

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His...

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.