This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...