I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Take my wife... Please!

Take my wife... Please!

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago...

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago...

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.