My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.