I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
What we like is not necessarily loved always,but what we always love is summarily liked...