I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Food Quotes, Funny Quotes

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting allows me to tell a lot of stories, you know start at the beginning,...

Acting allows me to tell a lot of stories, you know start at the beginning,...

Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way. You become just by...

Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way. You become just by...

Government, obviously, cannot fill a child's emotional needs. Nor can it fill his spiritual and...

Government, obviously, cannot fill a child's emotional needs. Nor can it fill his spiritual and...