I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Food Quotes, Funny Quotes

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...