I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Food Quotes, Funny Quotes

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Without music, life would be a mistake.

Without music, life would be a mistake.

What we like is not necessarily loved always,but what we always love is summarily liked...

What we like is not necessarily loved always,but what we always love is summarily liked...