I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Food Quotes, Funny Quotes

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.