My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.