My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...
I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...