When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

You cannot discover the purpose of life by asking someone else - the only way...

You cannot discover the purpose of life by asking someone else - the only way...

For one to expect or ask things of others that he himself, if asked, would...

For one to expect or ask things of others that he himself, if asked, would...