When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...