When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.