When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Parents Quotes

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a...

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a...

When a girl thinks of her future with her boyfriend, it's normal. But when a...

When a girl thinks of her future with her boyfriend, it's normal. But when a...

It is old age, rather than death, that is to be contrasted with life. Old...

It is old age, rather than death, that is to be contrasted with life. Old...