Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His...

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.