If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Quote by Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...