George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.