George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...