Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Groucho Marx Quotes

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and...

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If...

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If...

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf...

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf...

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually...

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually...

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the...

Burn your computer. Blow up your TV. Bludgeon your cell phone. Breathe deeply. This, my...

Burn your computer. Blow up your TV. Bludgeon your cell phone. Breathe deeply. This, my...

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

That moment when you say something and everyone laughs, so you just sit there like...

That moment when you say something and everyone laughs, so you just sit there like...