Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Funny Quotes

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've...

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've...

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my...

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my...

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I...

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I...

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These...

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These...

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with...

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with...

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the...

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the...

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Wonderful ''Force of Public Opinion!'' We must act and walk in all points as it...

Wonderful ''Force of Public Opinion!'' We must act and walk in all points as it...

I could have played another year, but I would have been playing for the money,...

I could have played another year, but I would have been playing for the money,...