I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Groucho Marx Quotes

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it...

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I...

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I...

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Home is where you hang your head

Home is where you hang your head

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If...

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If...

Dont ever underestimate the importance of money. I know its often been said that money...

Dont ever underestimate the importance of money. I know its often been said that money...

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And...

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And...

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.