Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?

The most minor gifts and not a very high class way to earn a living....

The most minor gifts and not a very high class way to earn a living....