The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

You can plan a pretty picnic but you cant predict the weather.

You can plan a pretty picnic but you cant predict the weather.

That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.

That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.