You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...