You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...