Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Quote by Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to...
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...
Children need models rather than critics.
I certainly don't want a child of mine to be famous, or anyone I was...
Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...