I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit

Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is...

The Big Bang definitely has erotic overtones.

The Big Bang definitely has erotic overtones.