Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Phyllis Diller Quotes

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades,...

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.