Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Quote by Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty...
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...
The dearest things in the world are our neighbor's eyes; they cost everybody more than...
Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting...