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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...
#Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
#Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
#Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
#Phyllis Diller
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...
#Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
#Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...
#Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
#Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the...
#Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
#Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...
#Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...
#Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from...
#Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
#Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
#Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...
#Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
#Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
#Phyllis Diller
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