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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has...
#Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
#Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
#Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...
#Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
#Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
#Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...
#Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about...
#Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
#Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...
#Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
#Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick...
#Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
#Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
#Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
#Phyllis Diller
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you...
#Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
#Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't...
#Phyllis Diller
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