What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Quote by Phyllis Diller

Topics: Funny Christmas Quotes

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions...

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,...

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your...

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk...

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and...

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I've learnt that a smile and good morning goes a long way, and saying thank...

I've learnt that a smile and good morning goes a long way, and saying thank...

Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart.

Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart.

Smile. Let everyone know that today you're a lot stronger than you were yesterday.

Smile. Let everyone know that today you're a lot stronger than you were yesterday.