At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Age Quotes, Funny Quotes

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Only surround yourself with people who will lift you higher.

Only surround yourself with people who will lift you higher.

Dear Parents, Thanks for giving me such a weird name. Sincerely, my name is never...

Dear Parents, Thanks for giving me such a weird name. Sincerely, my name is never...

Children are not our property, and they are not ours to control any more that...

Children are not our property, and they are not ours to control any more that...