My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

It doesn't matter if you're black or white... the only color that really matters is...

It doesn't matter if you're black or white... the only color that really matters is...

I think I swallowed a bug!

I think I swallowed a bug!

That wtf moment when someone copies my homework but gets a higher grade than me.

That wtf moment when someone copies my homework but gets a higher grade than me.