Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes, Sex Quotes, Smoking Quotes

80% of success is showing up.

80% of success is showing up.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of...

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl...

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl...

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

I am two with nature.

I am two with nature.

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

Shopping is better than sex. At least if youre not satisfied, you can exchange it...

Shopping is better than sex. At least if youre not satisfied, you can exchange it...

The only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you...

The only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you...