Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes, Sex Quotes, Smoking Quotes

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must...

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must...

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with...

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with...

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come...

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come...

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything...

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything...

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I...

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I...

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave...

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave...

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...

Eternity is really long, especially near the end

Eternity is really long, especially near the end

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

80% of success is showing up.

80% of success is showing up.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I'll give you a man who...

Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I'll give you a man who...

God makes three requests of his children: Do the best you can, where you are,...

God makes three requests of his children: Do the best you can, where you are,...