Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Quote by Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that...
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to...
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...
I am two with nature.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to...
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept...
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves...